Smoking gun (satire by Phillip Adams)

[Pa-uul]

March 11, 2006:

 

Smoking gun

AUSTRALIAN Federal Police have arrested hundreds of executives from Philip Morris International, seizing millions of cartons of Marlboro, Alpine and other brands of carcinogenic and addictive drugs. Commissioner Mick Keelty says the street value of the cigarettes runs into billions of dollars.

 

"They were trying to destroy the evidence when my boys arrived by smoking furiously or filling ships and planes for export," said Keelty. "Three Qantas flights managed to leave for Bali, but the Denpasar customs offices are waiting. This is the biggest drug bust in history!"

 

This AFP action follows yesterday's roundup of the drug-pushers behind Winfield and B&H. "We didn't just get the mules – we got the Mr Bigs," said Keelty. "Like all drug barons, they're filthy rich and have already hired the best silks. But we're confident of getting convictions. And if some of these monsters face courts in Indonesia, and consequently the death penalty, so be it. We make no apologies. They've killed millions around the world with their stinking fags and Australia's hospitals and cemeteries are full of their victims."

 

Following criticism of its role in the arrest and conviction of the Bali Nine, the AFP searched its conscience and its database and came up with an amazing fact. For every Australian harmed by heroin, thousands have their health and lives ruined by cigarettes and alcohol.

 

"No one had told us the facts," Keelty told the crowded press conference. "Of every 100 drug-related deaths, only two or three involve illegal substances. Around 95 per cent are caused by cigarettes and grog. And deaths are tip of the iceberg. We're dealing with illnesses that ravage the community – bring carnage on the road, and spark domestic violence. There may even be a link between drunkenness and the recent Cronulla riots."

 

Governments, state and federal, denied any knowledge of the dangers of cigarettes. "Nobody told us," said the PM and premiers. "Nor us!" said the department heads. "Otherwise we would have done something!"

 

Journalists have yet to find the smoking gun on smokes, though some doctors insist that links between smoking, lung cancer and many other diseases have been known for years. "There's been quite a lot of research into the health risks of smoking – there are even warnings on the labels." But PM John Howard insists he wasn't told. "Had I but known, we would have moved heaven and Earth to save people from these appalling products. We'd have arrested the retailers, the wholesalers, and the manufacturers. I blame the doctors and scientists for keeping all this a dark and shameful secret. Heads will roll!"

 

Howard insists that, had he known cigarettes were harmful, he wouldn't have accepted billions in tax revenue. "We would have sent that tainted money back – just as the Liberals would have returned any donations to party funds from cigarette companies."

 

Who knew what and when? That's the question being asked around the country as politicians run for cover. But it's believed a paper trail of documents will lead right to the top in federal and state politics. "I totally reject these smears and allegations," said NSW Premier Morris Iemma. "And if they're true, they're all Bob Carr's fault. Next thing, you'll be accusing us of raking in revenue from other social evils, like pokies and casinos."

 

Addressing a rowdy Coalition meeting, the Baptist Treasurer, Peter Costello, confessed he'd once had a cigarette but hadn't inhaled. But his political concern was this: "If cigarettes cause millions of deaths, if alcohol can also lead to health and social problems, people might accuse our Government of hypocrisy in policy – or even worse, absurdity. Here we are, helping the Indonesians line up young Australians for death or life sentences – when the really guilty people are corporate executives who have been carrying out mass murder in full view of authorities."

 

Costello was howled down by National Party members, who pointed out that Australian farmers were producing grains, sugar and hops for various brewing processes, not to mention grapes for the wine industry, or even tobacco. "We've got to hush this up!" said Wilson Tuckey. "Another AWB-style inquiry and we're stuffed!"

 

But it seems too late to rein in the AFP, which is determined to arrest all those responsible for the deadly beverages. Striking an Eliott Ness pose with a little tomahawk, Keelty said the AFP would smash the stills, seize the trucks used for deliveries and close the pubs and shops selling these vile poisons. "As with heroin, we've discovered that cigarettes and alcohol are an international trade, so we'll be working with police forces around the planet. It's a new policy. We'll call it prohibition."

Author: Phillip Adams

Date: 11 March, 2006

Source: The Weekend Australian

Copyright: © 2006

[Frazz]

Thats gotta be a classic Paul

....this Philip Adams must be an ok guy

and should be applauded for such honest journalism in pointing out the hypocritical nature of our corrupt federal government

 

any government that allows the payment of $300 million in bribes to Saddam, and takes donations from companies who profit from selling addictive poisonous drugs such as tobacco as our government has done stinks of corruption and lies

 

it tarnishes the previously good reputation of Australia to have such deceitful leaders

attached cartoon courtesy of Indonesean newspaper

 

[Pa-uul]

Yeah, no sympathy for Howard or Downer but I thought that cartoon you put up above was a bit rude on the Indonesian's part. Australia is currently handing over $1 billion in aid for the Tsunami alone, adding to the $1 billion in general aid we were giving them. We take a few New Guinean refugees from the Indonesian controlled western side of the island and they’re mad? Fuck ‘em, the ungrateful pigs. Cut off their aid and secretly fund the West Papuan rebels.

 

Here’s Bill Leak’s comeback:

 

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,5132449,00.jpg Bill Leak © The Australian

[WantDaChronic]

indonesia took massive offence to the aussie come back imo if they cant take a joke, they shouldnt have started

 

imo, the way things are going, we'll be at war with indonesia by 2010...it might cool down between now and then, but if things keep going the way they are, it'll lead upto an all out war

[Pa-uul]

...it'll lead upto an all out war ...

Was thinking the same thing myself.

[mull]

What an excellent piece, thanks for sharing it Pa-uul.

 

All that hypocrisy... so brilliantly highlighted, yet 'they' will so easily dismiss it as a joke.. just like the indo's cartoon.

 

War over cartoons Nah.. thats just taking our eyes off some other issue, theyre sneakin by us

If they fight, it'll be over resources. Things like the cartoons just work as a tool to sell the idea to the ppl. Like ellusive WMDs that sort of thing. The fear/hatred link.

[Pa-uul]

...this Philip Adams must be an ok guy...

He's been on the board of Greenpeace, according to Wikipedia. Phillip Adams is one of the more left-wing, progressive people at The Australian along with Emma Tom, I believe. But, most must be right-wing. The paper is usually a mouthpiece for Rupert Murdoch. Classic corporate media. Their foreign editor Greg Sheridan practically has orgasms over the US alliance.

 

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,278294,00.jpg Greg Sheridan

 

Occasionally a good article like Adams’ gets through. Another got through a while back calling for the decriminalization of marijuana, comparing it to the legal drugs. But, I also recall that the editorship of the paper (which consists of more than one person) wrote that if alcohol was banned in North Queensland Aboriginal communities drugs like marijuana would only move in and have the same destructive effect on them. That angered me. Cannabis is not the smokeable version of alcohol as many of the stupid prohibitionists think. And, for the editors’ information cannabis is there right now; there’s no moving in.

[Frazz]

well thats interesting about Adams, we need more like him to counter-balance the repressive right-wing

capatalist dogs!